The Pulse-Pounding Return of "Ask Doctor K"!

It's also the triumphant return of the blog, after an unannounced, month-long hiatus while I finished up some other writing that I had to do. Since I received no complaints and my stats actually increased during that time, maybe not writing this blog is the best thing I could do for it.

But during my absence from the blog, I received an urgent question from a concerned parent, which I proceeded to wait a couple of weeks to answer. But, now that my schedule is cleared up, I can bring back one of my favorite features: "Ask Doctor K"!

Dear Dr. K,

Tonight, my son, clad in his Superman pajamas (complete with velcro-attached cape), asked for a reiteration of Superman's special powers. Naturally, I topped the list with "actual flying"--he can fly at will without special gear or tall buildings to leap and glide between, merely simulating flying. A bit later, my son asked, "Does Superman get tired of flying?" to which my husband and I replied in unison, "That's a great question for Dr. K!"

So, Dr. K, does Superman get tired of flying?

Sincerely yours,
A concerned parent

Dear Concerned Parent,

First, tell your son that this is a very good question. It may be the most important question he has ever asked in his young life, as it's very important for his understanding of how Superman interacts with normal humans. First and foremost, Superman never gets tired of flying. It is his favorite thing to do. In fact, he'd rather fly everywhere because (and you may have to cover your ears for this) Superman thinks walking is bullshit.

Seriously, imagine if you could fly, but then, in order to fit in with normal, boring humans, you had to walk everywhere. You could fly anywhere in the city in under ten seconds, but instead, you have to take 20-30 minutes to walk there. So, you can understand why Superman, in his daily disguise as mild-mannered reporter Clark Kent, is constantly telling Lois Lane and Jimmy Olsen to pick up the pace when they walk from place to place.

Also, you know how, when you clean up your room and organize your toys, you put your favorite toys in the places that you can get to the easiest? Like, the stuff at the top of the toy box is the stuff you play with the most often, while at the bottom are the broken toys you don't even want anymore? Well, for Superman, he puts his favorite stuff on a shelf near the ceiling so he has to always fly up to get it. That's how much Superman likes to fly.

Also, notice how Superman (again, as Clark Kent) is sitting in this chair:

Right? He's not even sitting in it! He just hovers above the chair pretending to sit in it because he prefers flying to sitting! He must really love flying.

And finally, in case you were going to ask this as a follow-up questions, Superman also hates dancing:

Also, Lois Lane is really mean to Superman.

So, son of A Concerned Parent, I hope this all helps improve your understanding of how Superman deals with flying on a daily basis. Please let me know if there are any other questions I can answer for you.

Sincerely,

Doctor K

And that goes to any readers I might still have: if you or your children have questions that I can answer, feel free to pass them on to me!

Images taken from Action Comics 419, story by Cary Bates, art by Curt Swan and Murphy Andreson.

The Gil Kane Punch of the Week Extra

Payback time! The perfect full-page panel in "The Demon with a Cape!" from Superman Special 2 (1984), story by Cary Bates, art by Gil Kane.

The Gil Kane Punch of the Week 3

Say it ain't so! Brainiac punches a depowered Superman in "The Demon with a Cape!" from Superman Special 2 (1984), story by Cary Bates, art by Gil Kane.

Jim Aparo's James Bond!

A reader named Ed, who came to my blog doing a search on Cary Bates, recently sent me an email asking me if I knew anything about a proposed James Bond comic series that Bates had pitched to DC in the late 70s, with Jim Aparo on art.

I had to admit that I never heard of this project, but I was immediately intrigued. Such a comic, had it existed, would surely be the single greatest comic series of all time (though its existence may just have been too awesome for this world to handle). At this time, both Bates and Aparo were at their creative peaks. In the mid-70s, Cary Bates had been hired by Cubby Broccoli to write an early script for the Bond film The Spy Who Loved Me, though that script was rejected, along with many others in that film's chaotic pre-production history. Clearly, Bates was well-situated to write this series.

Also, as detailed by Marty Pasko in a recent Word Balloon interview (which is great, by the way), DC long owned the license to James Bond, though they did nothing with it other than the weak Dr. No adaptation that appeared in Showcase. It's interesting to note, then, that at least someone was trying to do something with that license at DC.

Ed mentioned that his source for this story was an article in the 70s and 80s fanzine, The Comic Reader, which had been created by Paul Levitz and Paul Kupperberg. After I sent out some queries to my fellow comic bloggers, the amazing Mike Sterling was able to get a scan of Aparo's cover image that accompanied the original proposal. This image originally appeared in The Comic Reader 180 (June 1980), though Mike informs me that the image is the only item in the issue related to the Bates/Aparo Bond series. Perhaps the article appears in an earlier issue.

Aparo's Bond looks like a cross between Aparo's Bruce Wayne and Sean Connery, which is exactly as it should be.

I'm now curious to find out more about this series, especially why DC didn't move forward with it. Anybody out there with more information on this, please let me know.

Tossing Softballs to Get Back in Shape

It's been a few weeks since I posted much here, so I figured I need to take a few practice swings at some softballs in order to get back into shape. So, to ease back into comic blogging, nothing works better than an issue of Superman's Girlfriend, Lois Lane.

Especially one where Lois is being tied down, Gulliver-style, by a miniature version of the Justice League.

And, especially one that contains a panel like this:
In a story by Bob Kanigher, with art by Werner Roth and Vince Colletta: "The Dark Side of the Justice League!"

The issue begins with Lois Lane taking a vacation on "Sexual Harassment Island," or, as some might call it, "the 1970s" (still others might refer to it as San Diego ComicCon, or they might not even consider it harassment at all):


Lois manages to find a nice, secluded spot away from the wolf-whistles in order to enjoy some dreams about Superman, but little does she know that she's being oggled nearby:
Man, talk about a set up. In the time it takes to turn the first page, the imagination runs wild with the possibilities of what tiny Black Canary could mean by "a lot to do!" And, this being Bob Kanigher, we are not disappointed.

In a double-page spread, the mini-JLA ties Lois up with "anesthetic twine" (available at some of America's finer fraternities), while tiny Black Canary administers some kind of liquid to Lois's mouth:


The mini-JLA turns out to be miniature clones of the Justice League created by Darkseid from DNA samples his minions stole from a group called "The Project," which was featured in Jack Kirby's run on Jimmy Olsen.

When Lois returns to work at the Daily Planet, both Lois and Clark Kent are demonstrating just how they became top-calibre journalists:


What makes Lois the loneliest woman in the world isn't so much Superman's romantic hesitancy, but more like the 78 other times she's been either romantically connected or even married to someone who ends up dead by the end of the story. That shit happens enough and word gets around.

And then we get even more signs of journalistic excellence:

Of course, I may be a bit hyper-critical of Lois here, considering my most recent scholarly work:

Later, Lois is out on the street for one of her fluff "People, U.S.A." features, and she is suddenly and inexplicably able to warn Superman of danger that he is unable to see. Superman takes this as a sign that Lois has developed ESP and therfore would not need his protection if she could see danger coming, which is a bit of wishful thinking (or, as we might refer to it, "Kanigher thinking").
In this issue, Superman's interior monologue will be provided by Harlequin Romances.

Unfortunately for Lois, Superman pulls away at the last second before kissing her, and Lois can do nothing but go cry about it.

After a second instance where Lois warns Superman of danger--this time, from a herd of mechanical animals--Superman decides to give in and unleash his decades of repressed passion:


The result, however, is not quite what Lois was hoping for:

This was also Superman's reaction when Lois told him that, while every season of Two-and-a-Half Men was available on DVD, he couldn't get a single season of the 1960s Batman TV series.

Superman then goes on a rampage, and Lois calls up The Project for some help. In unraveling the mystery of Superman's behavior, the head of The Project also engages in some Kanigher thinking:


As Lois waits in her office, she's attacked again by the mini-JLA, who seem to be a bunch of jerks:


So, The Project determines that the best solution to Lois's problem is not to fight the evil miniature clone JLA with a good miniature clone JLA, but one that only Bob Kanigher could have come up with:
An army of miniature Lois Lane clones! (Actually, I think Cary Bates could have come up with this solution as well.)

The Project also provides Lois with a special lipstick made out of Superman's DNA (!?!), which restores Superman's sanity after Lois kisses him a second time. And, thus, Lois is left back at the romantic status quo, having to start over again in her quest to marry Superman.

Audience Participation:

To what do you think Superman is reacting?

My love for Cary Bates knows no bounds...

When I read in Previews several months ago that Cary Bates was returning to comics with a miniseries from Marvel called True Believers, I was filled with a strong sense of nervous anticipation. I've expressed my love for Cary Bates's 1970s DC work several times in this blog, notably his Superman and Lois Lane stories. And I haven't even begun to cover his Justice League of America and Flash stories (which includes one of my personal favorites, Flash vs. Future Abe Lincoln).

But I hadn't read a new Cary Bates comic story in at least 20 years, the last one probably being an early issue of the Captain Atom revival he wrote for DC in the late 80s.

I needn't have worried, however. After reading just a few panels, my expectations were far, far exceeded.

On the opening page, a prostitute appears who had been recently thrown out of a john's car because she wouldn't perform a particular sex act:

Despite the prostitute's denial a few pages later, there is, indeed, such a thing as a "crusty bunker." And this reference made me laugh out loud.

Then, as if the "crusty bunker" weren't enough, we get this bit of snappy narration:


The prostitute in these opening pages turns out to be "Payback," an undercover member of the "True Believers," which is a group of superpowered hackers and underground journalists who expose the seedier side of the Marvel universe through their popular news blog. Payback breaks up the "Bikini Fight Club" that has been kidnapping prostitutes, drugging them with mutant growth hormone and LSD, and then forcing them to fight in a Roman-style arena. The news coverage this story receives catches the attention of S.H.I.E.L.D., and we then get more information about the public face of this secret group.

The premise is catchy, and the art, by 70s veteran Paul Gulacy, is his best work in years. And while both creators certainly have long careers, this book feels fresh. Marvel is not promoting this series very much, so it may fall under the radar of some fans, especially since it's very clear that the series is not tied into current Secret Invasion continuity (at least one character who died in Secret Invasion appears in the first issue). But I was genuinely surprise how purely entertaining True Believers is, and it's well worth seeking out.

Count Ten, Superman--and Die!

After the marathon Halloween Countdown, I needed to take some time off of the blog to regroup, plus I had a couple of professional writing gigs that came due, but now I'm back and preparing for the 100th page of the 100-Page Super Spectacular, coming in a couple of days.

Meanwhile, I've been digging deep into my collection to bring you one of the craziest tales of Super-D-Bag-ination ever put on paper, from Action Comics 445 (1975):

(Super-D-Bag-ination copyright and tm Dr. K, and is not to be confused with any other product or concept)


(Editor Julius Schwartz: never met a good cover concept that he didn't drive into the ground.)


Not since Sister Mary Elizabeth tried to teach me my numbers in Kindergarten by applying a ruler to my backside has counting seemed so ominous and threatening!

While much focus in the comic blogosphere is given to the crazy comic stories produced by the likes of Bob Kanigher and Bob Haney, little credit is given to Cary Bates for writing equally insane stories during his long run on Superman titles in the 70s, and "Count Ten, Superman--and Die!" is no exception.


The story opens in typical Cary Bates fashion with a conceit that is immediately mindblowing in its sheer impossibility. Here, Clark Kent goes to Metropolis Civic Center to hear a lecture by Superman. Even the comic's narrator is completely confused, yet he also takes the time to calm the reader down in order to pay attention to the explanation.



So, just to be clear here: the actor who plays Superman in the DC Universe is horribly disfigured in an accident on the set of the show. Superman, then, in a supreme act of Super-D-Bag-ination (tm), performed some non-AMA approved medical techniques in order to reconstruct the actor's face to look just like Superman. Meanwhile, millions of young children in the DC Universe are horribly disfigured in fires, and do we ever see Superman performing his miracle plastic surgery on them? Not if they don't want Superman's face, I guess.

Man. Even Dr. Christian Troy thinks that's egotistical.


Now, let's get this straight. Superman constantly goes through time-consuming contortions to keep his Superman and Clark Kent identities separate, especially from Lois Lane, and there is a guy living in Metropolis all along who looks and sounds exactly like Superman? WTF?


To make the Super-D-Bag-ination even worse, the actor Greg Reed reveals that Superman can provide him with a pill that gives him powers for 12 hours. And does Superman give him the pill to help fight crime or to stop natural disasters while Superman is away on an emergency? No. Instead, Superman pimps the guy out to children's parties, and he has no problem lying to a dying little girl.

What a d-bag.

Immediately after telling Lois this story, fake-Superman is struck down my an interstellar blast, and Clark quickly ducks out to change into the real Superman.

Meanwhile, the source of the blast is revealed, and it comes from the intergalactic "Superman Revenge Squad."


It's good to see that pimp-slapping is an activity that transcends Earth cultures.

Once the slappies are done, the Revenge Squad quickly correct their mistake and send the "Puls-Bolt" to the desired target: Superman. Revenge Squad member Basil Exposition then reveals the plan:


I would take issue, however, with the designation of "flying the actor to the hospital" as a "Super-Feat." If that were the case, then any instance of Superman flying should count toward the ten feats, and it clearly doesn't happen that way.

So, what other "Super-Feats" does Superman perform?

For one, he simultaneously pulls the ripcords on three skydivers who have been superglued together by a jealous colleague:



Also, he dry-humps a shark.


Apparently, this technique is fine for keeping sharks out of Metropolis, but for some reason, Superman doesn't use it on, say, Brainiac. However, I don't have any quibbles characterizing shark-humping as a "Super-Feat."

Another side-effect of the puls-bolt is that, for no apparent reason, it makes Superman extra-emotional. Here, Clark Kent gets some of the usual ribbing from his colleague Steve Lombard, which causes Clark to start crying.


I'd just like to note here that, in William Gibson's novel Pattern Recognition, "Lombard" is an acronym that stands for "Lots of Money, but a Real Dick." Steve Lombard is, without question, a real dick.

After ten feats, Superman suddenly collapses, and the Revenge Squad begins to celebrate their victory. However, anyone paying even the smallest amount of attention to the story probably is not at all surprised by what comes next:


In a further example of Super-D-Bag-ination, Superman explains how he created this unnecessarily complicated plot, which included Clark's fake emotional jags, in order to defeat the Revenge Squad. Honestly, this story should have been three panels: Superman notices the bad guys, flies into space after them, and then wrecks their shit. The End. Instead, he goes through all this ridiculous crap in order, it seems, to entertain himself.


And notice that Superman seems pretty nonplussed about his attackers getting killed by their fellow Revengers. What a douche.

Credits: Action Comics 445 (March 1975). Story by Cary Bates, art by Curt Swan and Kurt Schaffenberger.