Tossing Softballs to Get Back in Shape

It's been a few weeks since I posted much here, so I figured I need to take a few practice swings at some softballs in order to get back into shape. So, to ease back into comic blogging, nothing works better than an issue of Superman's Girlfriend, Lois Lane.

Especially one where Lois is being tied down, Gulliver-style, by a miniature version of the Justice League.

And, especially one that contains a panel like this:
In a story by Bob Kanigher, with art by Werner Roth and Vince Colletta: "The Dark Side of the Justice League!"

The issue begins with Lois Lane taking a vacation on "Sexual Harassment Island," or, as some might call it, "the 1970s" (still others might refer to it as San Diego ComicCon, or they might not even consider it harassment at all):


Lois manages to find a nice, secluded spot away from the wolf-whistles in order to enjoy some dreams about Superman, but little does she know that she's being oggled nearby:
Man, talk about a set up. In the time it takes to turn the first page, the imagination runs wild with the possibilities of what tiny Black Canary could mean by "a lot to do!" And, this being Bob Kanigher, we are not disappointed.

In a double-page spread, the mini-JLA ties Lois up with "anesthetic twine" (available at some of America's finer fraternities), while tiny Black Canary administers some kind of liquid to Lois's mouth:


The mini-JLA turns out to be miniature clones of the Justice League created by Darkseid from DNA samples his minions stole from a group called "The Project," which was featured in Jack Kirby's run on Jimmy Olsen.

When Lois returns to work at the Daily Planet, both Lois and Clark Kent are demonstrating just how they became top-calibre journalists:


What makes Lois the loneliest woman in the world isn't so much Superman's romantic hesitancy, but more like the 78 other times she's been either romantically connected or even married to someone who ends up dead by the end of the story. That shit happens enough and word gets around.

And then we get even more signs of journalistic excellence:

Of course, I may be a bit hyper-critical of Lois here, considering my most recent scholarly work:

Later, Lois is out on the street for one of her fluff "People, U.S.A." features, and she is suddenly and inexplicably able to warn Superman of danger that he is unable to see. Superman takes this as a sign that Lois has developed ESP and therfore would not need his protection if she could see danger coming, which is a bit of wishful thinking (or, as we might refer to it, "Kanigher thinking").
In this issue, Superman's interior monologue will be provided by Harlequin Romances.

Unfortunately for Lois, Superman pulls away at the last second before kissing her, and Lois can do nothing but go cry about it.

After a second instance where Lois warns Superman of danger--this time, from a herd of mechanical animals--Superman decides to give in and unleash his decades of repressed passion:


The result, however, is not quite what Lois was hoping for:

This was also Superman's reaction when Lois told him that, while every season of Two-and-a-Half Men was available on DVD, he couldn't get a single season of the 1960s Batman TV series.

Superman then goes on a rampage, and Lois calls up The Project for some help. In unraveling the mystery of Superman's behavior, the head of The Project also engages in some Kanigher thinking:


As Lois waits in her office, she's attacked again by the mini-JLA, who seem to be a bunch of jerks:


So, The Project determines that the best solution to Lois's problem is not to fight the evil miniature clone JLA with a good miniature clone JLA, but one that only Bob Kanigher could have come up with:
An army of miniature Lois Lane clones! (Actually, I think Cary Bates could have come up with this solution as well.)

The Project also provides Lois with a special lipstick made out of Superman's DNA (!?!), which restores Superman's sanity after Lois kisses him a second time. And, thus, Lois is left back at the romantic status quo, having to start over again in her quest to marry Superman.

Audience Participation:

To what do you think Superman is reacting?

Lois Lane in "Calling Dr. Freud!"

In thinking about the Lois Lane stories from the last two posts, I've come to realize that Lois Lane tends to get a bad rap. Sure, she spent decades trying to find ways to trick Superman into marrying her, and her non-Superman romantic relationships have been disastrous, but a lot of blame should be targeted at Superman himself, who, as we've seen, can be a bit overprotective and suffocating.

And stalkery in a way that really raises ethical questions about his abuse of his powers.

Speaking of which, I was reminded of this Lois Lane story, also written by the great Cary Bates (who returns to comics this week in Marvel's True Believers!).
(I'm aware that devoting three posts in a row to Lois Lane stories is going to remind many veterans of the comic blogosphere of 2005. All I ask is that you bear with me: I wasn't blogging back then, and I need to work the ubiquitous Lois Lane phase out of my system.)

The story begins with the type of shocking scene common in Lois Lane comics: Lois kills Superman and reveals his secret identity.

And, to top the deed off, she drops him down a long elevator shaft.

The initiated know that the most likely scenario is that this is a dream: the culmination of all of Lois's anxieties about discovering Superman's secret and inadvertantly causing his death.

And such a prediction would be accurate, as, on the next page, we see Lois confiding her dream with a pretty stereotypical, bearded and bespectacled psychiatrist named "Dr. Thadius Thadwick": a therapist, it turns out, who was recommended to Lois by Superman himself.

Just to be clear here: Lois has a dream where she shoots Clark Kent with a gun, revealing that he's Superman, and then she drops his lifeless body down a long shaft. Holy crap! It doesn't take a Ph.D. in Psychiatry to decode that symbolism. However, Dr. Thadwick totally misses the boat on this:

The rest of the story involves Boss-Lady Larue, the "female crime czar of Metropolis" attempting to drive Lois crazy in order to extract Superman's secret from her dream. But in the end, Boss-Lady has to resort to kidnapping Lois and her therapist.

In an eerily familiar scene, Boss-Lady Larue disposes of the doctor by shooting him and then dropping his body down the elevator shaft.

If, in fact, you weren't paying attention at all to the comic you were reading, the caption on this panel makes sure you know exactly what's going on.

And then we get what is a pretty stunning revelation: Superman was disguised as Dr. Thadius Thadwick all along.
His motive: to protect his secret identity.

Lingering on this point a moment, Lois Lane went to Superman asking for help because she was suffering from traumatic nightmares about killing Clark Kent. Superman, worried more about protecting his secret identity, recommends a nonexistant therapist and proceeds to disguise himself as said doctor and rent out an entire office in that doctor's name. Rather than actually treating her or helping her arrive at an understanding of what this dream and all its obvious symbolism might mean (and one might question Superman's credentials as a therapist in the first place), he mainly quizzes Lois on her suspicions of his dual identity. Then, he allows Lois to think that her therapist was, indeed, killed by Boss-Lady Larue, thus furthering her trauma and sense of guilt.

WOW! This is one effed-up relationship.

Lois Lane in "The Case of the Cockblocking Ghost!"

When last we left Lois in Superman Family 166, she was once again rescued from certain death by Superman, but this time, a new wrinkle was added: Superman was led to the rescue by a message written in plants by the ghost of secret agent Simon Cross. In Superman Family 169, we pick up the story six months later, and Lois is now a full-fledged agent for the SIA, and she's come to rely on the assistance of Simon's ghost to get her out of tough situations. Superman, however, does not take kindly to being replaced as Lois's trusty rescuer, and a story ensues that can only be called, "The Case of the Cockblocking Ghost!" (Actually, it's called "Target of the Tarantula," but, whatever.)

Lois's current assignment involves staking out the docks and watching out for a drug shipment for "The Masher Mob." Despite the fact that she's undercover, she doesn't do much to make herself conspicuous, and she's immediately caught. However, this doesn't phase her. As the thugs pull out their guns, she calls on Simon the Friendly Ghost to save the day, which he does.

Lois also appears to be developing a romantic attachment to Simon, which makes sense due to her pathetic attraction to unavailable men. Lois even starts to behave distantly toward Superman, which makes him upset. He then decides to stalk her to see what is going on. Seriously, these two deserve each other.

However, when she leaves the building, Superman loses her:

I love these moments in Superman stories where he conveniently forgets that he has certain powers, like x-ray vision. Of course, we know, from the previous story, that Lois is inside the secret garbage truck.

Forgoing the fact that emergencies are probably occurring around the world that require his attention, Superman continues to investigate Lois's behavior, mainly by illegally tracing her phone calls. He ultimately finds his way inside said garbage truck and confronts the head of the SIA.

Meanwhile, Lois and Simon continue to track down the Masher Mob and a mysterious vigilante called "The Tarantula," who has been killing off the mobsters. Superman, having figured out that Simon is a ghost, pulls out one of the many machines he had in the Silver Age, which turned out to be perfect for moving the plot forward yet were also never seen again. This time, it's the "ectoplasmic exorciser":

This is not to be confused with the "ectoplasmic exerciser," which is a device I use to lose weight. Basically, it functions by having a ghost literally scare the shit out of me.

Superman uses the machine to cockblock the ghost, which is a phrase I'm going to take credit for inventing. I also predict that I will become the number 1 Google hit for it.

Simon doesn't hesitate to call him on his cockblockery, and the danger in which it puts Lois:


Superman convinces Simon that, despite the fact that he can adequately protect her (though, importantly, no one is protecting her while these two argue), Simon and Lois have no future together. They then team up to save Lois from the Tarantula:


I think what Simon really saw is what an effed-up relationship Lois and Superman really have, and he decided to cut bait rather than get involved.

Lois Lane in "The Murdering Arm of Metropolis!"

Despite the fact that school is out and I've been on a "staycation" for the past two weeks, blogging has been pretty light here at the Spec. I even missed my 1-year blogiversary last week, which is a real blogging travesty. I really have no excuse for it, though I did spend much of the time taking over the world as the Russian Empire in a massive Civilization IV campaign. It's nice, at the end of the campaign, that Civilization IV lets me know how long I've been playing, as I wipe off the Doritos dust and check out my three-day beard growth that wasn't there when the game started.

But after that successful accomplishment, it's back to business. As has been a tradition on this blog, I like to celebrate special events by going to my collection of comics from which this site takes it's name: DC's 100-Page Super-Spectaculars. As a form of penance, then, I'm going to cover not one, but two 100-pagers in the next few posts.




Specifically, the Lois Lane features in Superman Family 166 and 169 form two parts of a single story, written by Cary Bates and drawn by John Rosenberger. In this story, my personal hero, Cary Bates, seems to be establishing a new status quo for Lois Lane as a secret agent for the SIA, or Secret Intelligence Agency, which is the single most boring acronym in the DC Universe. And yet Lois still maintains her position as a journalist, oblivious to the ethical problems these two roles create.

As the story opens, Lois is covering the Metropolis Botanists' Convention, hoping for an interview with renowned scientist, Dr. Foxley, who is surprisingly not a female character in a James Bond film. Before Lois can get any closer to the famous botanist, however, she is molested by the worst upskirt photographer in the business:

There are three things wrong with his form on that tackle. And that camera position is totally wrong.

The bad tackler turns out to be Simon Cross, agent of the SIA assigned to protect Dr. Foxley. But while Lois and Simon are arguing, a cyborgian assassin uses a silent air gun to fire a tamerid seed into Dr. Foxley's ear in a plot point that could only have been written by Cary Bates. The seed immediately sprouted inside the botanists head, destroying his brain and preventing him from revealing the secret of the mysterious wonder plant he had discovered.

Lois then talks Simon into allowing her to partner with him in the investigation. But first, Simon has to take care of some business:

Man, if I had a dime for every time I was asked those two questions.

And then:

Did anyone ever doubt that Lois Lane would ultimately end up dead, stuffed in a bag, and thrown in the back of a garbage truck?

The garbage truck, however, is secretly the mobile headquarters of the SIA--I guess all the good barber shops and phone booths were taken. Lois then lays out her CV to show why she should be allowed to join the SIA, and the director buys her pitch. Seriously, which missions are those? The ones where she tries to trick Superman into marrying her, or the ones where she ends up in life-threatening peril while Superman has to rescue her, and thus neglect some other emergency?

In order to complete the mission, Lois has to undergo some training, which apparently involves laying Agent Cross flat on his back repeatedly:Here, Lois demonstrates to Agent Cross why she loves The Dukes of Hazzard.

The mission involves capturing "Spangle," the leader of a "poppy-growing gang." But as Lois and Simon track Spangle, they're attacked by the mechanically armed assassin. He throws Lois off the roof of a parking garage, and while Superman swoops in to rescue her, he does not have time to stop the assassin from breaking Simon Cross's neck. I think we all know how Batman would have handled that choice.


Lois and another agent of the SIA trail Spangle into his secret lair: an underground garden filled with poppy plants.

However, these aren't ordinary poppies--they're "anti-poppies" created by Spangle and Dr. Foxley that will make people immune to drug addiction. This is yet again one of those scientific discoveries in Superman stories that should have a profound effect on society yet never get mentioned again.

Spangle, apparently, is not the leader of the poppy-growing gang; instead, the SIA agent has that secret role, and he kills Spangle to keep the discovery a secret. He tries to do the same to Lois, but she has other plans:
And now I know where Georgia O'Keefe got all her ideas.

The agent also reveals himself to be the mechanically armed assassin, and he's about to use his metal arm on Lois, when Superman, as expected, saves the day. This time, however, Superman had some help:
Who left the mysterious message? And why doesn't he understand basic sentence structure and subject-verb agreement?

That answer comes in the second part of the story, featured in Superman Family 169. More on that tomorrow!

Pop Quiz

Okay, readers: clear off your desks and take out a pen and a piece of paper--it's time for a quiz to see if you've been paying attention to recent lessons.



Question 1 (Multiple Choice)
What is wrong with this picture?
a) Superman fails to use his extraordinary vision powers to spot the endangered Lois Lane floating just below the water's surface.
b) The Evinrude 50hp motor depicted here is too large for such a small boat.
c) Superman is passing up the opportunity to punch a shark, which is entirely inconsistent with his character.
d) In the story inside this cover, Lois Lane is never once threatened by a shark.

Question 2 (Short Answer)

Where exactly is that shark headed?



Question 3 (True or False)

This image--featuring Lois Lane trapped in a cave, gagged, chained to a target on which her genitalia serve as the bullseye, and threatened by dart-wielding Mexican banditos--was adapted directly from the dream journal of Sigmund Freud, in an entry written when the pioneer of psychoanalysis awoke from a troubled sleep after eating a Cheesy Gordita Crunch for his Fourth Meal.



Question 4 (Essay)

Discuss how this image fits firmly at the intersection of feminist and postcolonial theories.

Question 5 (Short Answer)

What is the white substance dripping off the end of Lois Lane's spear? (Hint: look where it's pointing!)



Question 6 (True or False)

In the time it takes Superman to utter those two sentences, he could have rescued Lucy Lane, stopped up a volcano in Venezuela, rescued a cat from a tree, foiled a bank robbery, and ordered a venti skinny vanilla latte at Starbucks, but he chooses not to save Lucy Lane's life as payback for all the times she screwed over Jimmy Olsen.

Please provide your answers in the comments, and remember: this will affect your final grade.